well ever since i posted on here what happened to a poor boy in my class on my last journal and forums, and the words that i said to the class of bullies, some people have asked to be kept posted on it. well here is all the aftermath:

the teacher has apologized. although i dont think it is a sincere apology, but it was nonetheless effective in stopping her role in it. she now knows and understands that she must at least watch her back and behave appropriately if she plans on keeping her job. and i will report her if she does it again.

she apologized the day after it happened, so april 31. everyone in the class was more pissed at me than anything but i didnt face too much retaliation from them. it was mostly just a mindset that they all had and an attitude towards me and the situation in general. and some under-the-breath grumbling. but its all good. i couldnt be happier anyways. im not depressed like i was earlier this year anymore, im not having thoughts of killing myself, i have a wonderful boyfriend who has been good to me through the bad times in the past months and loves me. i have great friends and am not so focused on what has gone wrong with others that i cannot save. i am doing better in school and last night i got seven hours of sleep. i am happier than i have been in a long, long time. so any backlash i might have yet to face means nothing to me. but i think that because i was so strong with my conviction that they were wrong and that somewhere deep down they knew they were wrong that i wont face their ridicule. because i honestly think that they are too weak inside to go up against any kind of strength, even if it comes from an underweight, skinny, pale girl like me.

and the boy? he is doing better i think. i dont see him so upset in class anymore and the teacher has become more tolerant of his outbursts, even if they are inconvenient. in fact, sometimes ill see people who were usually mean to him play a game of cards with him, or talk with him in their free time. some people have not changed their minds, however. i think i expected that. they are too insecure to know what else to do besides tear apart others to try to lower them to the level of what they would want to think that person really is. but even their comments have died down a bit. they are getting more tolerant and i have not had to stick up for him again. the teacher is more aware of her role as a teacher and not a friend so she is quietly trying to change things as well. and i have talked to the boy. i told him that if he ever, ever needs to talk to me he knows im his friend and i will always listen. it reminds me of some notes i passed with him a long time ago:

him - you seem like a cool person.
me - thank you.
him - but friends dont last forever you know. they may say that they do but everybody just goes away in the end. there is no such thing as friends forever.
me - well i am your friend. i used to think like you. but i was wrong about that, and i think you are too. because people might move away and grow older and begin new lives, but the ones who were ever really friends [and you will know who they are - you will be able to know who is true and isnt] will always have those memories. and they will look on them fondly. and because of those memories they will remember you when and if you ever need them again. and they will answer.
him - i dont know... you write a lot. =]
me - what can i say? you know i wanna write one day. =]

they were awkward notes at that time because i didnt really know him that well. but i could tell that there was some pain in him that i have felt before. and i think that empathy is overlooked in society today as an ideal. i think it is a moral - the most important moral. and i hope he knows now that i really am a friend - even forever. its not just a pinky promise or some yearbook ritual - it is something that is a truth for both of us, and that even when time gets the better of us that we still have the memories and empathy. we still have each others backs.

hes not just some kid who sits in the back wearing a naruto headband around his neck - he is just a struggling boy in unfortunate circumstances. sometimes all that is needed is a perspective that freshens up all the sour feelings. without sounding corny, sometimes all you need is a friend.

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on another note - a comment left by tim on one of my pictures gave me an urge to write down my family's history. i dont think i will be able to get exact details and imagery, but i think that since the history is in itself so beautiful, and almost symmetrical given the opposites involved that it would be worthwhile. i want to start with the meeting of my great grandparents [which will be hard, very hard - i only have one surviving great grandparent and mumpy's memory is stale and sometimes repetitive but i will try]. and then i will interlace the two stories without them ever touching one another at all physically. but rather some driving force behind the two at the same time that creates a subtle bond. my mom's side starts in kentucky, which will be very interesting because life is so different down there in that time-period. and they werent rich - my great-grandpa was a miner. both of them had ten kids together. and on my dads side it was jackson, michigan. i dont know much about my dad-side great grandparents' early relationship yet so im looking foward to that. oh and i should have mentioned before that this will be matrilineal when i choose who is the protagonist [not like they must be female, but they must be descended from a mother of one of my grandmothers and then down to the parents i have in the next room.] my dad-side great grandparents were better off financially. after starting a few businesses, it was a tool and dye company that gave him success. and later on he even won it big in vegas [$250, 000]. and thats only the backdrop, the first part. the second part will follow a daughter of each great-grandparent, my grandmas and when they meet my grandpas. and then all the way down to my mother and father.

i think that it will be really interesting. i dont know why, probably because of the emphasis on the spouses meeting, that this will resemble a bit of a romance novel. but i think that i want to add an element of nostalgia, a bit of a rustic sense of reality. i want the writing to resemble a never ending piece of film that documents the tale as it is through all the changes of the world around it, that recognizes each decade and development. it has to be continuous and flowing like a ripple in a field of wheat. it just has to be like silk and spin each thread goldenly, to be crafted into some exquisite art later. i want to be as real as possible, but i dont want to be analytical and "intelligent" [as in resorting to summarizations and conclusions] - this has to be art, it has to be flowing and gracefully surreal for me to see it as the art i envision it to be. and that comes from the senses, not the mind. so i have to build not only the schedule of research but the mindset of a waking-dream. its going to be hard, but i feel so inspired to do it. i cant wait get started!

wish me luck! im going to turn this into my first novel!

goodbye elizabeth. you were a good therapist.

and i would like to share something i am both proud of myself for doing but concerned about because its so prevalent in our schools.

i stood up today to my whole sixth hour for teasing this poor boy relentlessly. it was straight out of a lifetime movie, i swear. you wouldnt have known the difference, but i couldnt just stand by and watch while he had to go through this everyday with no support.

everyone hates him in my class. i think he may have a disability of sorts because he always speaks out of turn and is very odd - if you knew him you would understand its more than that. and i know there has been some serious stuff going on at home. im not gonna say any names because i dont want to make him uncomfortable. everyone says things like "shut up! holy shit, didnt you take your ritalin this morning!?!?!" and "no one likes you, no one ever will" yada yada. everyday. the whole class. just torture. and the teacher joins in! the cunt joins in! [by the way, no offense by that word, i dont usually use it but this is a special case where i do.] she asked the class "who is the most obnoxious person in this class - theyll be the subject of this story problem." okay not only is she mean but she also thinks we are five. besides the point. she was looking at the certain kid the WHOLE time and she knew, SHE KNEW that they would choose him as he has always been the target. the whole time he was pleading that she wouldnt do this to him, that she would shut up and and just let it go. come up with another "story problem". but she wouldnt! she has never been a popular teacher, but lowering herself to the class's standard wont earn her respect.

today he didnt speak. today he did exactly what they all asked him to do. he shut up. he used words on paper to communicate when he had to. of course that wasnt good enough for the bullies. "your so retarded, why dont you just speak!" "what a dumbass, with your little fucking cards." and then he got down under his table and he cried. ive always been really nice to him and on really friendly terms, so i thought hey, ill go talk to him and try to make him feel better. and i did. i spent that whole hour trying. he wouldnt even look at me. the poor thing, i dont think he had it in him. and the stupid teacher just went on teaching, as if he was being defiant and should be given the "silent treatment". finally, after much badgering by other classmates - "what the hell is he doing?" - i stood up.

"this is only because of all the shit youve given him. look at all of you, youre begging him to shut up and look! he shut the hell up! but thats not good enough for you! no - you obviously dont want him to shut up, do you? hes too entertaining, hes a perfect target isnt he? it doesnt matter what he does. at the end of the day hes still the target and hes still weird and youre all pigs. if anything bad happens because of this, its your fault. youll have no one to blame but yourselves."

then the teacher, joining my bandwagon i guess - "i agree. there is a line that has been crossed-"

i cut her off. "no - you cant talk about any line. you lost that right when you lost our respect. you make fun of him just as much. you are no different than any other kid in here now, like you wanted. youre the same as them. and the sad thing is youre supposed to be an adult! look at you - you dont even know right from wrong."

and she was silent. no not mad at me. i wouldnt have cared even if she was. this is how fucking columbine happened. every violent crime has a monster behind it. and you know what? monsters arent just born, they are CREATED.

and what have they created? who knows? a monster, an obituary, or perhaps just a greater hole in his heart?

they all deserve the guilt. if only they were smart enough to feel it.

the name of my solo. it went okay. i was freaking out the whole time. i didnt see nesh but i think he was there. ah well. i saw drew!

its sad because one guy was saying after the concert - "oh youre going big places with that voice. youll get really far if you keep singing like that." it was nice, certainly not an insult. but it feels like i may have a good voice for nothing. i dont want to pursue singing. i want to write. i feel like im taking my voice for granted or something. im probably just being retarded but i have felt like this for a while. and another girl i knew [kind of - becca bauer i think] came up to me and said it was beautiful and said you should go into opera. and that made me happy and all but it just added pressure onto what i should do when im older.

dont get me wrong - i have already made up my mind that i will write if it kills me. if i suck then i suck. so be it. but i will write.

its just odd i guess. tedious. confusing.

hopefully ill get more stuff up soon.

hail satan.
tim go and look at a collection in my favorites titled fairy tales for todays crowd. i think you will like it.

hail satan.
peace.

---oh and as a side note---

i have a solo coming up. curse my luck. i dont know the italian too well or whatver. fuck.

i was grounded this weekend. that is why i had not been able to get on. ugh. oh well.

i did write a bit this weekend though. that was nice. it seems as if some inspiration is beginning. hopefully ill be able to grab onto some more of it.

well today is the official anniversary of my trip to the kingswood hellhouse. makes me cherish my goals just that much more.